How to leave with dates... not digits

Updated: Jan 1, 2019

“Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?"

"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to."

"I don't much care where –"

"Then it doesn't matter which way you go.”

One of the major obstacles I encounter whilst coaching clients and helping friends is that they do not know how to text a girl after the interaction has come to a close. You must know what direction you want to take the relationship as the initial interaction ends, and actively move it in the direction of your choosing. This article proposes a way to avoid the problem of texting altogether by arranging a date with the girl before you get her number. This process will lower your flake rates, and speed up the approach-to-date process.

The average interaction is often guided towards getting the girl’s phone number, so that you can then begin the process of texting her, in order to arrange a date at some point in the future... sound familiar? Questions like “how do i get phone numbers?” are typical to men starting out with approaching, as it is a tangible result and is often accompanied by a feeling of success, and signs of improvement. By all means, if you are starting out, just getting numbers feels great, and often signals improvement in your communication skills and dating potential. However, it is simply not the most effective way of improving your dating and sex life.

Often, I see clients and friends trying to get the numbers of girls they aren’t even particularly attracted to, or ones who are plainly not that attracted to them. There is a mutual feeling of romantic chemistry from a good interaction, and a often a slightly stale feeling to others. Even if you were very attracted to a girl, sometimes the interaction simply does not entail this feeling of chemistry. In these cases, it is very unlikely that you will go on a date with the girl, as there is a sense that it could become dull or awkward, and the stakes are too high for her when she could just as easily date that other guy from her friendship circle...

You must think: ‘If I were to get the number, would I really want to spend an afternoon/day with this person? Do I see it going anywhere? Is she likely to text me back? Am I likely to text her?’ And if not, ‘does it really matter much whether I get her number?’... Below I will give 2 examples of interaction closes. The first is an example of how a typical interaction closes, and the second is an example of how to close whilst avoiding any of the uncertainty, and wasted time spent texting a girl that you are unlikely to ever meet with.

You: “I have to go now, can I get your number?”

Her: “Errr yeah sure, it's: ********”

You: “Cool I’ll text you, Bye”

Now when it comes to texting the above girl, there is a mutual understanding that at some point you are going to ‘pop the question’ and ask her on a date... After some small talk and arbitrary questions, an invitation to go on a date will kill all of the spontaneity of the original circumstance of your meeting, melting away any sense of adventure and fun and mystery… It becomes structured and cliched, and most of the time she will decline your invitation, unless something really stood out from the initial interaction. I propose another model as an example:

You: “I have to go now, but I’ve actually enjoyed talking to you. You said you were a *insert job title*, I guess you are pretty busy during the week? I have loads of stuff on this week, but I’ve got some time *insert day/time* and *insert day/time*, I’d like go for a drink with you.”

Her: “Yeah that sounds good”

You: “Great, you said you live in *insert place*, we can meet around there and grab a drink/go on an adventure.”

This way, there is no pressure on the big question as you have already arranged the date! You can relax and text her without any need for asking anything of her, and she will have already verbally agreed to see you - which is a empirically proven method for improving the likelihood of an outcome, and will thus decrease the likelihood of her flaking. She may, however, respond as shown below:

Her: “Errrrrrrr/ummm” / *hesitation* (she doesn’t want to / she’s unsure or uncomfortable)

You: “It's okay.. You don’t have to. It's only if you want to, but I’m curious about you. I think we would have fun.”

This response is honest, confident, and sincere. If she hesitates or expresses uncertainty again then you can close the interaction, give her a compliment and leave on a positive note, as she will not commit to see you after this. In this case you will leave without a number and hours of wasted time spent thinking what to text her. If you don’t think you are going to see her, then don’t go for the number. By getting her number without organising a time to meet, she must actively choose to accept your date invitation over text, whereas if you set up a date before you get the number, then she must actively choose not to see you, and active choice is something people tend to avoid, at most costs… She may respond with:

Her: “yeah okay, actually that would be nice.”

You: “Cool, you said you live in *insert place*, we can meet around there and grab a drink/go on an adventure.”

This process will massively increase the ratio of dates to numbers you get, save you time, and allow you to express your confidence in knowing what you actually want, rather than succumbing to the outdated texting process.

© 2019 - Fluid Social