Approaching women in a bar.

Updated: Jan 1, 2019

One of the biggest obstacles I see men encounter when learning to effectively approach and attract women, is that they project their own images and ideals of what the girls is like onto the girl, before they have met her. These ideals are FALSE NARRATIVES, as our perception of how a person is, is never exactly how that person perceive himself or herself to be.

This often happens with guys who are relatively inexperienced with interacting with beautiful women. The inexperience allows them to believe that a woman with near flawless looks has a near flawless personality, forgetting that every person has their flaws, their nuances, their own unique character. When a man perceives a woman to be of this unattainable quality, he subconsciously create a ‘version’ of her in his head that is UNATTAINABLE not only for him, but for her as well!

Let me explain how this problem exists on TWO LEVELS:

1. When you view her this way (the beautiful, magical, wonderful angel who would never love an average Joe like me), there is literally NO WAY you can end up talking to her on a human, person to person level - you will become nervous and childish, giddy and needy. This is because in that moment you definitively DO NOT BELIEVE you are good enough for her, based on your unfounded belief that she is TOO GOOD for you, based on her looks alone.

2. On the second level, she senses (remember, women are extremely intuitive and emotionally aware) your own, and most other men’s imaginary perception of her, and feels on some level that she has to live up to this IMPOSSIBLE EXPECTATION.

These expectations cause her to feel nervous and under pressure (or just bored and fed up) and like she cannot be her real, goofy self. She puts up defences, and wears a social mask (‘bitch shield’), so as not to let you see her true personality, which inevitably is as human and imperfect as your own.

What she really wants is to be valued as a person, and not as a fetishised or idealised image in your imagination. This mis-identification paradoxically makes her feel insecure, and the ‘bitch shield’ will stop you from seeing the real her, in all her beautiful imperfection!

To combat and overcome this, you must seek to understand her for who she really is. This means NOT:

· Creating any prejudices or ideas about what she is like BEFORE you have got to know her

· Agreeing with, and laughing at everything she does or says

· Giving her constant validation and compliments

· Offering to buy her drinks and hanging around her like an excited puppy


Seek to know the real her: what can you tell about her from her mannerisms and her body language? Assume information you have gained from reading her body language and her expression: What is her background? Where is she from? Is she creative or logical? Is she introverted or extroverted? Does she have brothers or sisters? Look at her and try to understand her deeply.

· Freely challenge her on her opinions and tease her about her nuances, she will like this as it will make her feel human and unique again.

· Freely express your own opinions, and take the lead, change the conversation if you are not enjoying the topic. You must be honest with yourself about what you want and what you like.

· If she asks for a drink, challenge her! Would she buy you a drink if you asked? Should you give her so much power over yourself before you even know her?

· Do not hang around her and follow her all night unless she (or her body language) suggests that she would like you to stay. Feel free to walk away from her, find your friends, find another attractive girl, and tell her you’ll come and find her later. This is attractive as it shows her you have other options, just like she does.

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