Approaching Women In A Bar

One of the biggest obstacles I see men encounter when learning to effectively approach and attract women, is that they project their own images and ideals of what the girls is like onto the girl, before they have met her. These ideals are FALSE NARRATIVES, as our perception of how a person is, is never exactly how that person perceive himself or herself to be.

 

This often happens with guys who are relatively inexperienced with interacting with beautiful women. The inexperience allows them to believe that a woman with near flawless looks has a near flawless personality, forgetting that every person has their flaws, their nuances, their own unique character. When a man perceives a woman to be of this unattainable quality, he subconsciously create a ‘version’ of her in his head that is UNATTAINABLE not only for him, but for her as well!

 

Let me explain how this problem exists on TWO LEVELS:

 

1.     When you view her this way (the beautiful, magical, wonderful angel who would never love an average Joe like me), there is literally NO WAY you can end up talking to her on a human, person to person level - you will become nervous and childish, giddy and needy. This is because in that moment you definitively DO NOT BELIEVE you are good enough for her, based on your unfounded belief that she is TOO GOOD for you, based on her looks alone.

 

2.     On the second level, she senses (remember, women are extremely intuitive and emotionally aware) your own, and most other men’s imaginary perception of her, and feels on some level that she has to live up to this IMPOSSIBLE EXPECTATION.

 

These expectations cause her to feel nervous and under pressure (or just bored and fed up) and like she cannot be her real, goofy self. She puts up defences, and wears a social mask (‘bitch shield’), so as not to let you see her true personality, which inevitably is as human and imperfect as your own.

 

What she really wants is to be valued as a person, and not as a fetishised or idealised image in your imagination. This mis-identification paradoxically makes her feel insecure, and the ‘bitch shield’ will stop you from seeing the real her, in all her beautiful imperfection!

 

To combat and overcome this, you must seek to understand her for who she really is. This means NOT:

 

·      Creating any prejudices or ideas about what she is like BEFORE you have got to know her

 

·      Agreeing with, and laughing at everything she does or says

 

·      Giving her constant validation and compliments

 

·      Offering to buy her drinks and hanging around her like an excited puppy

 

 

Instead:

 

·      Seek to know the real her: what can you tell about her from her mannerisms and her body language? Assume information you have gained from reading her body language and her expression: What is her background? Where is she from? Is she creative or logical? Is she introverted or extroverted? Does she have brothers or sisters? Look at her and try to understand her deeply.

 

·      Freely challenge her on her opinions and tease her about her nuances, she will like this as it will make her feel human and unique again.

 

·      Freely express your own opinions, and take the lead, change the conversation if you are not enjoying the topic. You must be honest with yourself about what you want and what you like.

 

·      If she asks for a drink, challenge her! Would she buy you a drink if you asked? Should you give her so much power over yourself before you even know her?

 

·      Do not hang around her and follow her all night unless she (or her body language) suggests that she would like you to stay. Feel free to walk away from her, find your friends, find another attractive girl, and tell her you’ll come and find her later. This is attractive as it shows her you have other options, just like she does.

 

 

 

 

 

How To Message Her

The ultimate goal of texting is not for your own, or for the girl's amusement, it is to meet up with her and get to know her better, as you can not (really) get to know someone or build a connection over text - there is literally no good text to send. You can not build attraction, comfort, or anything with a few words. Ultimately, there is a set of principles which I shall cover herein, that will help to guide the way you use texting from the lower tier of “Fucking Awful” to the highest tier of “Neutral”.

 

Mostly the process is a deductive one, where there is really no good approach, just a number of potentially bad ones.

 

During a fun and engaging interaction, I always encourage my students to build narratives between themselves and the girl, by creating fun story-lines about the two of you, to build comfort and a sense of connection between you, whilst demonstrating your creative intelligence.

 

Examples:

  • “We’re like superheroes, here to inspire people to wake people up and talk to each other”

  • “We’re going to have a honey moon in Norway under the northern lights, a penthouse apartment in New York… Jacuzzi on top, ferns growing all around, fairy lights, and views across central park… You can invite your family during the week, but its just us on the weekends - We need some privacy” (self-consciously ironic and ridiculous)

  • “I felt drawn to you for some reason… Everyone looks so sad and bored, I feel like we’re the happiest people here right now”

 

These little narratives, which I will elaborate upon in my upcoming blog: ‘The “WE” Frame’, provide powerful ways to understand her and what she likes, whilst showing your own interests, intelligence and creativity. They bring the two of you together as a team, reassembling the traditional ‘You vs Her’ frame, which makes an interaction look like a struggling ‘pick-up’, into a ‘We’ Frame.

 

So when it comes to texting, you have these little narratives to play with, allowing you to avoid the cliched jargon that women have come to expect and despise. For example, by starting with the generic:

 

"hey, its (insert name) from the other day. how are you?/how's your day been?"

you are demonstrating that:

A) that you have nothing interesting or creative to talk about

B) that you are expecting your communication to divulge into small talk

C) that there was nothing particularly special or unique about your interaction.

 

So what is the reverse of this...?

  1. You are creative + interesting

  2. You don't care for small talk

  3. Your interaction was special and unique.

 

So for instance if you were teasing her about being a dominatrix (a sexual narrative), and having a funny hat that looks like a museum piece, bring this into your texting! You shouldn't need to remind her who you are, so instead engage her memories of the interaction and re-evoke the feelings she has (humour, attraction) whilst you were talking... So:

 

"Good evening Cleo Patra, I heard sirens out my window earlier.. I hope you haven't robbed the national museum's rare hat collection again..?!".

 

You should engage with fun memories of the conversation to stimulate good emotions, and use your creativity, without expecting her to have forgotten who you are already. And most importantly you are taking the pressure off her to reply. This is a fun text to flirt back to... She may say something like:

 

"Guilty as charged ;).. I just can't help self, its the inner seductress leading me astray..." .

 

Now the conversation is fun and unusual and builds on your in-jokes and personal connection. You can continue along these lines for a few back and forths, or as you like and see fit. After 3-10 back and forths (*guidelines not rules) You can (in a very low pressure way) ask to see her. So... Instead of ‘Fucking Awful’:

 

"would you like to get a coffee with me? let me know when you are free"

(BORING + PRIORITISING HER TOO MUCH + PUTTING PRESSURE ON HER TO MAKE A DECISION)

 

You could try ‘Neutral’: "I'm pretty busy this week with boring meetings, but I know a trendy new place in (somewhere near where you/she lives), let's go ruin their rep..." (FUN + ADVENTURE NOT CLICHED 'DATE' + LOW PRESSURE)

 

Or ‘Neutral’... "Hey I'm going on an adventure to hyde park at (..... insert time/day), come along if you have some time" (again low pressure and different, adventure over date).

 

IF the texting fizzles out or loses its spark, re-engage with a funny video or voice message about something you have seen or done that reminds you of her, OR a picture of something cool you have done (picture of a view from a cool bar/boating adventure/funny hat you have seen at work).

 

The key is that it is no big deal, no pressure on the outcome, and just a bit of fun - whilst demonstrating your personality, sense of humour, and creativity!

 

Please get in touch at sam.overton@icloud.com for further advice or clarification.

 

Good luck and stay tuned...

 

Sam

How to Leave With Dates Not Digits

“Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?"

"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to."

"I don't much care where –"

"Then it doesn't matter which way you go.”

 

One of the major obstacles I encounter whilst coaching clients and helping friends is that they do not know how to text a girl after the interaction has come to a close. You must know what direction you want to take the relationship as the initial interaction ends, and actively move it in the direction of your choosing. This article proposes a way to avoid the problem of texting altogether by arranging a date with the girl before you get her number. This process will lower your flake rates, and speed up the approach-to-date process.

 

The average interaction is often guided towards getting the girl’s phone number, so that you can then begin the process of texting her, in order to arrange a date at some point in the future... sound familiar? Questions like “how do i get phone numbers?” are typical to men starting out with approaching, as it is a tangible result and is often accompanied by a feeling of success, and signs of improvement. By all means, if you are starting out, just getting numbers feels great, and often signals improvement in your communication skills and dating potential. However, it is simply not the most effective way of improving your dating and sex life.

 

Often, I see clients and friends trying to get the numbers of girls they aren’t even particularly attracted to, or ones who are plainly not that attracted to them. There is a mutual feeling of romantic chemistry from a good interaction, and a often a slightly stale feeling to others. Even if you were very attracted to a girl, sometimes the interaction simply does not entail this feeling of chemistry. In these cases, it is very unlikely that you will go on a date with the girl, as there is a sense that it could become dull or awkward, and the stakes are too high for her when she could just as easily date that other guy from her friendship circle...

 

You must think: ‘if I were to get the number, would I really want to spend an afternoon/day with this person? Do I see it going anywhere? Is she likely to text me back? Am I likely to text her?’ And if not, ‘does it really matter much whether I get her number?’... Below I will give 2 examples of interaction closes. The first is an example of how a typical interaction closes, and the second is an example of how to close whilst avoiding any of the unsurety, and wasted time spent texting a girl that you are unlikely to ever meet with.


 

You: “I have to go now, can I get your number?”

 

Her: “Errr yeah sure, it's: ********”

 

You: “Cool I’ll text you, Bye”

 

Now when it comes to texting the above girl, there is a mutual understanding that at some point you are going to ‘pop the question’ and ask her on a date... After some small talk and arbitrary questions, an invitation to go on a date will kill all of the spontaneity of the original circumstance of your meeting, melting away any sense of adventure and fun and mystery… It becomes structured and cliched, and most of the time she will decline your invitation, unless something really stood out from the initial interaction. I propose another model as an example:

 

You: “I have to go now, but I’ve actually enjoyed talking to you. You said you were a *insert job title*, I guess you are pretty busy during the week? I have loads of stuff on this week, but I’ve got some time *insert day/time* and *insert day/time*, I’d like go for a drink with you.”

 

  1. Her: “Yeah that sounds good”

 

You: “Great, you said you live in *insert place*, we can meet around there and grab a drink/go on an adventure.”

 

This way, there is no pressure on the big question as you have already arranged the date! You can relax and text her without any need for asking anything of her, and she will have already verbally agreed to see you - which is a empirically proven method for improving the likelihood of an outcome, and will thus decrease the likelihood of her flaking. She may, however, respond as shown below:

 

  1. Her: “Errrrrrrr/ummm” / *hesitation* (she doesn’t want to / she’s unsure or uncomfortable)

 

You: “It's okay.. You don’t have to. It's only if you want to, but I’m curious about you. I

think we would have fun.”

 

This response is honest, confident, and sincere. If she hesitates or expresses uncertainty again then you can close the interaction, give her a compliment and leave on a positive note, as she will not commit to see you after this. In this case you will leave without a number and hours of wasted time spent thinking what to text her. If you don’t think you are going to see her, then don’t go for the number. By getting her number without organising a time to meet, she must actively choose to accept your date invitation over text, whereas if you set up a date before you get the number, then she must actively choose not to see you, and active choice is something people tend to avoid, at most costs… She may respond with:

 

Her: “yeah okay, actually that would be nice.”

 

You: “Cool, you said you live in *insert place*, we can meet around there and grab a drink/go on an adventure.”

 

This process will massively increase the ratio of dates to numbers you get, save you time, and allow you to express your confidence in knowing what you actually want, rather than succumbing to the outdated texting process.

How to create attraction with language(s).

This article will encourage the reader to increase their options with women in coffee shops and communal areas in the daytime and in bars and clubs at night, whilst simultaneously improving your foreign language skills and cultural knowledge

 

Often in London, I see men neglect talking to some of the most beautiful women because of language barriers. I hope to motivate the reader to see these ‘barriers’ instead as opportunities. It seems like it should be a lot of effort to try and date a girl who speaks a language you do not know, right? Why would I pursue someone whom I can not clearly and easily communicate with, and express myself fully too, when there are many other women I could meet and talk to… Besides, what would we talk about?

 

Well, I believe there is a more effective mindset to adopt with regard to this point. Let me use an example to demonstrate my point:

 

You are in a club in Barcelona, Spain. You can only really talk to your friends, as no one else speaks your language. You would love to talk to all the different people and learn about them and their culture, and socialise, but you can’t. You don’t speak good spanish. Then, a cute spanish girl comes up and says “hi”… Her accent is awful and she is trying to say something to you but you are not sure what. She is searching for the right words, fumbling a little, and just about manages to piece together “hello, what your name it?”... You look at her strangely and try and correct her… She responds “sorry my no english good... I want speak at you” and smiles.

You continue to engage with señorita and she talks more to you, trying her best to make the language work, without shying away or getting nervous. She tells you that she is trying to improve her english and you are her teacher. She radiates a curious warmth through her expression.

 

Now, think about how you saw this girl, was it annoying or weird? Was it needy or offensive? Was it even particularly difficult to stay with her? I don’t think so, and if it was, then that is also your mind deciding it to be. Now reverse the situation, you see a small group of Spanish girls in a club in London, they are talking with each other, and look a little lost and out of their comfort zone, they scan the area, watching all the different people, curious about them and their culture, wanting to socialise, but they can’t. They don’t speak good English. You walk up to them and say “Hola, como te llama?”(sic) ... I think you get the picture, contrary to what you might think, it can actually be very charming, confident and romantic to attempt to speak someone’s language when it is not customary of you to do so. People really appreciate your making an effort with them, and going beyond what is usual, and you do not need to try at all hard to impress them, as the focus of the interaction is on the two of you coming to a mutual communicative understanding. You are working together as a team, and no longer battling to win her affection. Not only does this approach allow you to quickly learn foreign languages in a natural, effective, and enjoyable way, but when you focus the conversational topics on the cultural differences and nuances of her country, you learn valuable and interesting information that you can use in future interactions.

 

So before you go out, I encourage you to learn a few words in French, Spanish and Italian (to start with). Just a “hello... how are you... what is your name... how long have you been in London?…” These sentences will be very similar in each language, as they are all derived largely from the Latin language. You will even find that there are numerous verbal similarities with English words. I have personally been able to learn these languages to the extent that I can hold a normal conversation (even in O'neill's...) from continually attempting to speak with foreign women, and picking up a few words and improving my accent, each time I go out. What’s great is you get into a real flow by doing this, your manner is self-deprecating and humble whilst conveying confidence, not to mention that any language spoken with an English accent sounds “really sexy” (or so I’ve heard…), and you are able to meet many more women - not to mention improving your social circles and friendship options - that other people are not even bothering to approach or attempt to talk to!

 

This life-hack goes beyond dating and ‘getting more girls’, and will prepare you for when you go to other countries and experience the rewards of speaking in their native tongue. It's a very attractive and mysterious quality to be multi-lingual, and can immensely improve both your dating options, and your quality of life.

 

For an effective and time-savy way to learn foreign languages, see Tim Ferris’s video in the link, and his blog posts on language learning too (and no, I am not sponsoring him or receiving any financial bonus from Tim for this reference, I wish…) To take your first steps towards a more fulfilling approach to your next night out, I challenge you to watch the video in the attached link, and follow Tim’s advice, and approach JUST ONE foreign group of women. And please feel free to let me to get in touch with me, and let me know how it went!

 

 

How To Respond When She Says "I have a boyfriend"


 

Maintaining your integrity is crucial to your long term success, happiness and self-esteem. This relates to both the sphere of dating as well as life in general. You must know exactly how you feel about what you are doing. For example, under what circumstances would you try and date a girl with a boyfriend? For some guys, “I have a boyfriend” will signal the end of their communication with the girl and that’s fine. Other guys won’t care at all, and will keep trying, disregarding her relationship and feeling no sense of internal conflict in pursuing a ‘taken’ girl. Others, still, will want to enquire about the nature and circumstances of the relationship: is she happy in her relationship? is it a long-term relationship? is it an open relationship? is it falling apart…? All of these, if they truly reflect your values, are legitimate. This article however, will address only the third demographic, as this reflects the approach that is true to my own values. You must have an understanding of your own personal value system, knowing where your own personal lines are, and how you really feel about what you are doing, or else you will compromise your own integrity in the process.

 

Regardless of whether or not she truly does have boyfriend, she has probably said this line to many other guys in your position. Some will have stopped in their tracks or walked away, others will have given off the typical sucker responses, a few of which I will cover herein.

 

Receiving the “I have a boyfriend” response from a girl you are attracted to may cause a number of immediate obstacles: Firstly, there is the difficulty in continuing to express interest after receiving this response, as the girl might seem to have disqualified herself as a potential romantic interest from you. In fact, she may feel that there is ‘nothing there’ as soon as you stopped her, as her boyfriend response has so often lead to the end of the interaction. Secondly, there is your own moral compass to consider: do you really feel okay with yourself, trying to date a girl in a relationship? Isn’t that ‘sleazy’? How would you like other guys to act this way with your girlfriend? I usually encounter two different responses from clients when they get the boyfriend response:

 

1) To rattle off the classic but cliched: “cool. I have a goldfish/cat/etc”, which often gets a laugh, but necessarily compromises either your personal values or your sexual intent - either you acknowledge that she has a boyfriend and that will try to date her despite this, without further enquiry, which is a mind-set outside of the paradigms of this article, or you acknowledge the boyfriend and imply that you do not intend to date her, and that she has told you a presumptuous and irrelevant fact, which removes intent and limit the sexual potential from the interaction.

 

2) To ignore the question entirely and continue to communicate as if nothing has been said. This is a short term fix, and when the interaction draws to a close, you are both aware that she has a boyfriend and that this has not been addressed. Both of the above responses ignore the boyfriend dilemma, rather than addressing it.

 

This article will propose a more intuitive way to address this dilemma head-on, creating the outcome which is congruent with the stated value system, every single time. Example:

 

Her: “I have a boyfriend”

 

You: 1) “I don’t believe you” (hold eye contact)

 

If you have received coaching from me in the past, you will know how much value I place on the ability to decode body language. In this situation, if you are relaxed, and are holding eye contact, you can often tell from her response whether she truly does or does not have a boyfriend. If she shuts her eyes as she speaks, or stutters or slurs her words, or she looks down and to the left, then she is probably not telling the truth. She may say “haha how did you know?”, or some variation of this, in which case you can respond with “it's actually really obvious, you are a terrible liar” (very cheeky) or “I can just tell” (more intense), or some variation of these. It is more likely, however, that she will say something along the lines of “no, I really do…”, in which case you can respond with...


 

2) “What’s his name..?”/”Is his name Dave?” (always gets a laugh)

 

This response shows that you are not dissuaded by her words alone, and are taking the initiative to actually find out more about her and her life, whilst simultaneously addressing the problem, in a non-needy and non-sucker manner. By guessing a fairly amusing name for her boyfriend (sorry to the Daves out there) you can keep the conversation light whilst demonstrating your sense of humour as well - and she will in all likelihood tell you a name. By this point, if she still asserts that she has a boyfriend, and she gives a name instantly, whilst holding eye contact, then she probably does. If she pauses, then you can light-heartedly accuse her of lying, and bring some sexual tension into the interaction by disbelieving her story and seeing past her words - demonstrating your intuition and awareness. In both cases, the next question is...

 

3) “Is he nice to you…?”

 

Again, you must be aware of her non-verbal communication here, as it provides a very lucid window into her relationship. This is the point of decision. If she says confidently “yes”, and tells you they are very close or that she really likes him, you can close the interaction with something like “that’s rare these days, it's refreshing to hear. He’s a lucky guy, you’re beautiful. Have a lovely day” and everyone leaves a little bit happier, your integrity remains intact. If however she hesitates or expresses uncertainty, or plainly says that he isn’t nice to her, then you can say the golden response:

 

“That’s very honest of you. Well, I’m not a home-wrecker and I don’t like to interfere.. But we are young and beautiful... and things fall apart... 2 months down the line, when shit hits the fan, I think you’d regret not meeting the handsome blond guy for a drink”.

 

This should be spoken with a touch of irony, a slight smile to show that you are aware that it is slightly ridiculous. Please, paraphrase and personalise this concept according to your personality and preference. There is something compelling and romantic to this response, and she will often laugh at this and agree, give you her number, and the two of you will have built a fun and compelling narrative together, in the knowledge that you are not encroaching upon a happy relationship, rather, displacing a probable douche-bag.